The confusing thing about memory
August 2022 | Changing dementia
Memories are not a straightforward exercise. So, when interacting with people who have cognitive difficulties, memory can be even more circular rather than linear. We tend to ‘look back’ at different times in our lives. But personally, I’ve experienced or created a memory that I know couldn’t be factual, but rather I’ve overlaid two different occasions into one, creating what became for me a new memory, a sort of memory overlay. But I know it didn’t happen that way when I think about it. It’s the emotions that have created this new memory. My memory is not linear, and only when I think of the events as they occurred, then I realise I’ve created some sort of circular memory. Bringing a previous memory into a future place which came to be associated with a traumatic event, and knowing, as my mother had already passed - another traumatic event - that there is no way I could have been talking to her on the phone planning a trip overseas when I was living in that particular place. But that is what is in my mind.
My father, who had dementia, also created new memories. They were perfectly real to him and he gained a lot of pleasure from them. He would tell anyone who would listen how he had travelled the world on his own and drove around Europe. When asked about driving in Europe he would say how amazed he was the road signs were in English. I knew this memory was not factual, but there was no doubt it was real for my father. Trying to say this never happened to him, just deflated him, so why bother correcting him? What would that achieve? What would it gain? Just a linear progression of time and events? Where is the emotion in that? Memories for us, can be all about the emotion. Pleasant memories are what most of us would want. No-one wants to re-experience traumatic events, but those memories can indeed be there. Sometimes in the guise of other experiences and events that bring them to the surface unconsciously.
Naomi Feil(1) believed that people with dementia are trying to work through issues of the past, emotional issues that were not dealt with previously, and so validation was necessary in the present for the person to integrate past experiences - supporting the person in the now.
But we all surely know that memories are not infallible. We make mistakes in our recollection of events. What is important, so I believe, is the emotion behind the memory. Does our linear experience of life matter, or is the life we create and emotionally embody more beneficial to our evolution? What good does it serve me to recall that the trip planning conversation with my mother actually happened at another place, when I know for a fact, we were planning that trip? The conversation that is in my mind is of the place where my mother never was able to visit me. She knew I had moved there, and it was a lovely place, I know she would have liked it and I wanted Mum to see it. I had only just moved back to Geelong from a year in a country town and was starting a new job at a new school and was going to start another course. Mum had been pleased about the dance course, although she questioned my wanting to move from the school where I was teaching. After Mum had passed and several months after I moved in, I was burgled. Precious items that were given to me by my parents were taken. And precious items that were my grandmothers, and my great-grandmothers were also taken. These latter two items I had only recently had with me, as for years they were safely kept at my parents’ home. One I knew I was to be given to me when I turned 16. I would lovingly take it out of the drawer of the buffet at my parents' property, unwrap it from the pink paper towel it was folded in, and carefully move the cotton wool to reveal a beautiful ruby necklace set in gold on a gold chain. I would look at it, knowing my parents had given this necklace to Nana for her Ruby Wedding Anniversary. It was meaningful to my parents, my mother particularly, and it was meaningful to Nana. It was significant. It wasn’t just a necklace to me. It was the story behind it. It was how it was wrapped so carefully, so simply, and placed in the drawer. And it was special knowing that Nana wanted me to have it one day, to take care of it. It was still wrapped in that pink paper towel in the cotton wool in my jewellery box when it was taken. When I was supposed to be taking care of it. It hurts me still that someone just took it. All those memories. All the love. All the experiences. All wrapped up in pink paper towel. Just taken.
So, memories. Why did I create this circular memory? My new place, my new job, finally studying dance - were all experiences I wanted to share with my mother. And an experience we did share often, was travel. So, my memory has me on the phone in my new place talking to my mother about a trip to Singapore and Hong Kong. To have had my mum involved in my new place and planning a trip must have emotional significance. It overlays the reality that my partner of the time, with whom I was living, didn’t want to come with us. So my memory has me planning it on my own, without consideration of him. A much more liberating memory. And my memory still has my mother involved in my new place, in my new experiences, and doing something we enjoyed together.
So, let’s be mindful of memories. They can bring joy. They can bring tears. They may be linear. They may be circular. But in the end what does it matter. As long as we can enjoy the moment. Engaging with Dad’s memories of travelling on his own brought him great joy. He was happy talking about travel. He was happy he got to travel on his own - something he wanted to do before he was married. He wanted to be an engineer on a ship. Dad did travel overseas a lot, but with Mum, and/or other family members. So, he had memories of travel. But for Dad to remember travelling with Mum would have brought him great pain; he felt her passing deeply. So, in many ways, his dementia erased the memory of being married. And he was given a new memory, one that gave him pleasure, rather than pain. And, after all, that’s all that matters.
Let us all hope our memories bring joy. But at the same time, let's not avoid the pain when it needs to surface.
Until next time.
Stay safe. Stay connected. Keep listening. Never stop learning.
For help with your relationships contact me at Connections Matter.
(1) Feil, N. (1985). Resolution: The final life task. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 25(2), 91-105. doi:10.1177/0022167885252009
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My father, who had dementia, also created new memories. They were perfectly real to him and he gained a lot of pleasure from them. He would tell anyone who would listen how he had travelled the world on his own and drove around Europe. When asked about driving in Europe he would say how amazed he was the road signs were in English. I knew this memory was not factual, but there was no doubt it was real for my father. Trying to say this never happened to him, just deflated him, so why bother correcting him? What would that achieve? What would it gain? Just a linear progression of time and events? Where is the emotion in that? Memories for us, can be all about the emotion. Pleasant memories are what most of us would want. No-one wants to re-experience traumatic events, but those memories can indeed be there. Sometimes in the guise of other experiences and events that bring them to the surface unconsciously.
So, in trying to correct the memories of someone else, to our experience of events, whether they are living with dementia or not, we need to first ask ourselves - what will that achieve?
Naomi Feil(1) believed that people with dementia are trying to work through issues of the past, emotional issues that were not dealt with previously, and so validation was necessary in the present for the person to integrate past experiences - supporting the person in the now.
But we all surely know that memories are not infallible. We make mistakes in our recollection of events. What is important, so I believe, is the emotion behind the memory. Does our linear experience of life matter, or is the life we create and emotionally embody more beneficial to our evolution? What good does it serve me to recall that the trip planning conversation with my mother actually happened at another place, when I know for a fact, we were planning that trip? The conversation that is in my mind is of the place where my mother never was able to visit me. She knew I had moved there, and it was a lovely place, I know she would have liked it and I wanted Mum to see it. I had only just moved back to Geelong from a year in a country town and was starting a new job at a new school and was going to start another course. Mum had been pleased about the dance course, although she questioned my wanting to move from the school where I was teaching. After Mum had passed and several months after I moved in, I was burgled. Precious items that were given to me by my parents were taken. And precious items that were my grandmothers, and my great-grandmothers were also taken. These latter two items I had only recently had with me, as for years they were safely kept at my parents’ home. One I knew I was to be given to me when I turned 16. I would lovingly take it out of the drawer of the buffet at my parents' property, unwrap it from the pink paper towel it was folded in, and carefully move the cotton wool to reveal a beautiful ruby necklace set in gold on a gold chain. I would look at it, knowing my parents had given this necklace to Nana for her Ruby Wedding Anniversary. It was meaningful to my parents, my mother particularly, and it was meaningful to Nana. It was significant. It wasn’t just a necklace to me. It was the story behind it. It was how it was wrapped so carefully, so simply, and placed in the drawer. And it was special knowing that Nana wanted me to have it one day, to take care of it. It was still wrapped in that pink paper towel in the cotton wool in my jewellery box when it was taken. When I was supposed to be taking care of it. It hurts me still that someone just took it. All those memories. All the love. All the experiences. All wrapped up in pink paper towel. Just taken.
So, memories. Why did I create this circular memory? My new place, my new job, finally studying dance - were all experiences I wanted to share with my mother. And an experience we did share often, was travel. So, my memory has me on the phone in my new place talking to my mother about a trip to Singapore and Hong Kong. To have had my mum involved in my new place and planning a trip must have emotional significance. It overlays the reality that my partner of the time, with whom I was living, didn’t want to come with us. So my memory has me planning it on my own, without consideration of him. A much more liberating memory. And my memory still has my mother involved in my new place, in my new experiences, and doing something we enjoyed together.
So, let’s be mindful of memories. They can bring joy. They can bring tears. They may be linear. They may be circular. But in the end what does it matter. As long as we can enjoy the moment. Engaging with Dad’s memories of travelling on his own brought him great joy. He was happy talking about travel. He was happy he got to travel on his own - something he wanted to do before he was married. He wanted to be an engineer on a ship. Dad did travel overseas a lot, but with Mum, and/or other family members. So, he had memories of travel. But for Dad to remember travelling with Mum would have brought him great pain; he felt her passing deeply. So, in many ways, his dementia erased the memory of being married. And he was given a new memory, one that gave him pleasure, rather than pain. And, after all, that’s all that matters.
Let us all hope our memories bring joy. But at the same time, let's not avoid the pain when it needs to surface.
Until next time.
Stay safe. Stay connected. Keep listening. Never stop learning.
For help with your relationships contact me at Connections Matter.
(1) Feil, N. (1985). Resolution: The final life task. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 25(2), 91-105. doi:10.1177/0022167885252009
< Back