Listening for understanding
December 2023 | Being connected
However, what makes these forms of communication possible, is understanding. Without knowing what the symbols and words mean, meaningful communication will be difficult, if not impossible.
But even when we speak the same language, and think we understand the words of another, it doesn’t mean we use the same words in the same way, and sometimes we can just express ourselves clumsily. Then disagreements and confusion can arise unless we figure out the problem. Sometimes we can even end up feeling self-conscious and awkward because of our clumsy expression. Or feel like we’ve said too much, been misunderstood, or feel like we’ve not said what we wanted to in the way we wanted.
No wonder communicating is not easy at times.
How often have you said, or heard someone say, “I didn’t mean it that way.” Or “You’ve got that all wrong, that’s not what I said.” Communicating clearly and effectively is not easy. When misunderstandings happen, disagreements can result, arguments can ensue, and it can end up with you trying to explain what you actually meant, while the other person is either rolling their eyes or harping on about what you did say and throwing it back in your face.
So take a deep breath. Step back. And re-compose.
Importantly when we communicate it is not only about what we say, but about the ability of the other person to not only physically hear what we say, but their ability and willingness to listen and really hear and understand what we are saying. There will always be some people we just can’t communicate with, for various reasons. And some of that will be due to their ability or willingness to take the time to listen and understand. Some relationships may be irretrievable, but there will be those we can work on.
So let’s take a little excursion, and I will tell you a story.
When I was in my early twenties, I really wanted to express, calmly and rationally with my mother, how I experienced and felt about my childhood. This wasn’t, on my part to be an attack on my mother, I just wanted her to hear my side of the story, that is my perspective.
What I wanted in these communications with my mother, was for her to not only listen, but to really hear what I was saying and understand me. To be able to get beyond herself and truly hear me, to understand how I experienced my childhood. I wanted her to be able to rise above any feelings of personal attack and be able to see me as her adult daughter, who was telling her she had a tough time as a child. Rather than sitting in the chair and crying each time I raised this, I wanted my mother to come to me and genuinely, with heartfelt sadness, say, ‘I’m sorry you experienced it that way.’ That’s all I wanted.
However, on two occasions, it was me getting out of my chair and going to my mother to comfort her in her tears and telling her she wasn’t a bad mother. My heart went out to her, but I felt somewhat manipulated; why was it me comforting her, when I wanted her to acknowledge me and my feelings?
So I tried again on yet another occasion to express my feelings. This time, however, I told myself beforehand, that if Mum cried, I would allow her to cry, no matter how hard that may be. That time I wasn’t going to get out of my chair and go and comfort her. I was wanting my mother to hear me, to know what I experienced, not focus on herself.
It wasn’t easy, but cry again she did, and I didn’t get out of my chair and go to her. I knew then I was never going to get the apology I sought, the apology that would have told me that she cared about what I experienced.
At the time my mother either didn’t have the ability, or she wasn’t willing, to see beyond herself. She saw that her perception of the situation was the only perception. Her limited thinking was governed by her own inability to communicate. She had never been taught how to communicate well, to the extent that she believed her perception, her perspective was the only reality.
I have shared this story with you to illustrate how hard it can be to communicate with others, and even more so when it’s a sensitive topic. Mum heard me through her own filters of understanding. She heard me through her belief that what she did was right. Or she potentially heard me through her own doubt about her ability as a mother. But what she could not do, was get out of her own head and tune into her heart, and listen, hear and understand me, to learn that what I experienced could be very different to what she may have intended.
So however much we may want an apology for what we have experienced, for how we have been treated by another, that apology may never come. And I speak to all the individuals and groups who seek apologies and restitution. It doesn’t mean though that we have to turn our backs, and it doesn’t mean that we have to hold a grudge. And it doesn’t mean that we have to hold onto the hurt. An apology is nice. And it would have gone a long way for me to feel that I was loved by my mother. But when the apology didn’t come, it was up to me to accept that, and to change my own ways. Afterall, I’m the only one I can change, I can’t change anyone else. The beauty of this however for me, was that once I had accepted and started to change myself, Mum actually started to change too. Although there was still no apology, Mum became more of the friend I hoped we could be, instead of just mother and daughter.
We may not only stumble over our words, we may also stumble over how to listen, how to truly hear another person; without being defensive, without getting stuck in our own head, without being blinkered by our own views about a situation.
Given that our own ability to communicate can at times be fraught with difficulty, when we consider the person living with an advancing dementia, communication can be even more difficult. Depending on the dementia, language areas of the brain may progressively become further impaired, including areas that assist with comprehension and those that control speech production and articulation. All this can make it more difficult for the person living with dementia to express him or herself. For those trying to understand, it can also be difficult. Not only to potentially understand what the person may be saying, but to be understood. Past hurts can make it even harder. But what is important to understand, is that there can always be another perspective; one 'reality' may not be shared by another.
If you haven’t looked around the Connections Matter website yet, I invite you to do so. Our 'Just Talk' sessions are available for everyone.
In the meantime.
Take care. Stay safe. And reach out if you need to.
We wish you a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas and Holiday Season.
Check out the Connections Matter latest Spiritual Blog, 'Time for a New World'. Wendi talks about how consumerism and overconsumption is affecting people and how it may be time for us to sit in solidarity with people who are struggling.
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