Keeping your cool
October 2023 | Being connected
The story about my father is that many years ago Dad was coming to see me in the city and we were talking on the phone this one day, when Dad said during our conversation that he had a surprise for me. I wondered what it could be. For some time, I had been wanting to buy my feline boy a scratching pole, but Dad had said several months before, why buy one when he could easily make one for me. I thought, well, why not, that would be nice. So, I waited. When Dad said he had a surprise for me I became somewhat excited by the prospect, that maybe it was the scratching pole I had been waiting for. My boy would finally, hopefully, have his scratching pole!
When Dad arrived there was no sign of what ‘could be’ a scratching pole; I would have seen something of that size that gave me an indication that he had it with him. I was immediately disappointed. But I wondered what the surprise was going to be. Not long after Dad arrived, he needed to go to the bank – so down the street we went. When Dad had completed his transaction, he was somewhat confused by the balance in his account.
Seemingly the teller was no help. But Dad was saying there was a significant sum of tens of thousands of dollars missing. It was a lot of money and this was in the mid-1990s. Dad had the teller look up what could have happened but without any luck.
Then as we were leaving the bank, Dad suddenly remembered. He said to me, “your sister found a house she likes and she wants to buy it.” The ‘sister’ he referred to lived in London and you could not imagine two people less like sisters than we were.
That said, Dad proceeded to tell me that she had asked him for money to buy a house and Dad had given it to her. This, Dad said, was the surprise! To say I was angry was an understatement. I failed to recognise at the time how my sister buying a house was a surprise for me!
And yet Dad still hadn’t made the scratching pole for my boy that he said he would make several months before! In that moment I became very angry with my father.
It was not so much his forgetfulness, but his action. It was not long after this incident that I bought my boy a scratching pole! The first of many to come I might add, that he had around the house!
But I have also been quite frustrated at times when a friend, who has a tendency to confuse issues, puts words in people’s mouths they never said or he simply doesn't listen. He can remember details about events from history, and complains bitterly about people who don’t know history, yet he confuses conversations quite often. He hasn’t been diagnosed with a dementia, but still he confuses things. It can be incredibly frustrating. So how do we deal with these situations, when our tolerance is tested to the core? When someone’s forgetfulness frustrates us? When we feel like we’re invisible, or talking to the wall?
First of all, we need to start thinking about what’s going on in the mind of that person.
For Dad, he was obviously surprised by my sister’s request, his eldest daughter buying a house in England, a place Mum and Dad loved, and I suppose by default he thought this would be a surprise for me as well. He was probably excited at the thought of going there one day to see the house. It is no surprise to me that he would want to help my sister achieve her dream. Dad was very giving in so many ways. So, trying to understand the other person’s feelings and mental/cognitive processes is the first step.
But I hear you say, what about when the person is someone with quite an advanced dementia who is refusing to get in the shower, no matter what you say? It is the same principle. What is going on for that person? What could their mental processes be? What could the shower look like to them?
What is a shower, but potentially a closed in space? A shower could feel claustrophobic. Maybe there is a step into the shower which looks much bigger and unable to be stepped over. Maybe the floor in the shower looks strange, the tiles may appear to look like stones, or like a hole in the floor – depending on the colour, shape and texture. So what could the person's feelings be? Maybe there is a fear of falling. Maybe it’s cold. It can be frustrating, but it is important to think about what is happening for the person.
The second step is to understand our own feelings and mental/cognitive processes. What are we thinking, what are we actually feeling?
When it comes to Dad and me - I couldn’t see how Dad giving money to my sister to buy a house was a surprise for me, it wasn’t for me. It was all about someone else. If Dad had said he had ‘a surprise’, that would have been a different matter. But when he added the ‘for me’, it made me think it was something personal. Whereas this news was not personal. When it comes to my friend, I can at times end up feeling somewhat superfluous. A lot of the time what a person actually says just doesn't stick in his mind. But I need to think about my reaction. My worth as a person is not tied up in him, so I shouldn’t need him to remember conversations and know who said what. It doesn’t mean that it’s not frustrating at times, and I can feel angry, but if I think about a bigger picture, and what is going on for him, then I am able to find my patience and keep my cool. I also take a lot of deep breaths!
So, there are two primary steps to keeping cool when faced with annoying, frustrating, and downright anger provoking situations. The first is to think about what is happening for the other person – their thought processes, their feelings. And the second is to figure out what’s going on for us. Our thoughts, our feelings. It also helps to create space for ourselves, away from anger provoking situations. It is then that we can come to some middle ground and keep our cool.
😊
In the meantime - Stay safe. Keep cool. And enjoy the moments you have.
There is a bigger picture.
If you would like to talk to someone about your frustrating relationships Connections Matter offers 'Just Talk' sessions. You can check these sessions out back at Dementia.
< Back
Seemingly the teller was no help. But Dad was saying there was a significant sum of tens of thousands of dollars missing. It was a lot of money and this was in the mid-1990s. Dad had the teller look up what could have happened but without any luck.
Then as we were leaving the bank, Dad suddenly remembered. He said to me, “your sister found a house she likes and she wants to buy it.” The ‘sister’ he referred to lived in London and you could not imagine two people less like sisters than we were.
That said, Dad proceeded to tell me that she had asked him for money to buy a house and Dad had given it to her. This, Dad said, was the surprise! To say I was angry was an understatement. I failed to recognise at the time how my sister buying a house was a surprise for me!
And yet Dad still hadn’t made the scratching pole for my boy that he said he would make several months before! In that moment I became very angry with my father.
It was not so much his forgetfulness, but his action. It was not long after this incident that I bought my boy a scratching pole! The first of many to come I might add, that he had around the house!
First of all, we need to start thinking about what’s going on in the mind of that person.
For Dad, he was obviously surprised by my sister’s request, his eldest daughter buying a house in England, a place Mum and Dad loved, and I suppose by default he thought this would be a surprise for me as well. He was probably excited at the thought of going there one day to see the house. It is no surprise to me that he would want to help my sister achieve her dream. Dad was very giving in so many ways. So, trying to understand the other person’s feelings and mental/cognitive processes is the first step.
But I hear you say, what about when the person is someone with quite an advanced dementia who is refusing to get in the shower, no matter what you say? It is the same principle. What is going on for that person? What could their mental processes be? What could the shower look like to them?
What is a shower, but potentially a closed in space? A shower could feel claustrophobic. Maybe there is a step into the shower which looks much bigger and unable to be stepped over. Maybe the floor in the shower looks strange, the tiles may appear to look like stones, or like a hole in the floor – depending on the colour, shape and texture. So what could the person's feelings be? Maybe there is a fear of falling. Maybe it’s cold. It can be frustrating, but it is important to think about what is happening for the person.
The second step is to understand our own feelings and mental/cognitive processes. What are we thinking, what are we actually feeling?
When it comes to Dad and me - I couldn’t see how Dad giving money to my sister to buy a house was a surprise for me, it wasn’t for me. It was all about someone else. If Dad had said he had ‘a surprise’, that would have been a different matter. But when he added the ‘for me’, it made me think it was something personal. Whereas this news was not personal. When it comes to my friend, I can at times end up feeling somewhat superfluous. A lot of the time what a person actually says just doesn't stick in his mind. But I need to think about my reaction. My worth as a person is not tied up in him, so I shouldn’t need him to remember conversations and know who said what. It doesn’t mean that it’s not frustrating at times, and I can feel angry, but if I think about a bigger picture, and what is going on for him, then I am able to find my patience and keep my cool. I also take a lot of deep breaths!
So, there are two primary steps to keeping cool when faced with annoying, frustrating, and downright anger provoking situations. The first is to think about what is happening for the other person – their thought processes, their feelings. And the second is to figure out what’s going on for us. Our thoughts, our feelings. It also helps to create space for ourselves, away from anger provoking situations. It is then that we can come to some middle ground and keep our cool.
😊
In the meantime - Stay safe. Keep cool. And enjoy the moments you have.
There is a bigger picture.
If you would like to talk to someone about your frustrating relationships Connections Matter offers 'Just Talk' sessions. You can check these sessions out back at Dementia.
< Back